Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Desperate-Attempt-To-Make-Him–Love-Me… and some beef.

Today, March 14th, witless men across America challenge women to the onset of a new novelty holiday. They call this Steak and Blow Job Day. As of 2002 the holiday creator Tom Birdsey and his supporters have proposed that women use this one day of the year to make their men a steak… and then blow them.

According to the online proposal SBJ Day is offered in response to Valentine’s Day. These men are looking for the “male equivalent” of a holiday to garner praise from the opposite sex. So the why the fuck are they using Valentines Day as their blue print?

You know Valentines Day?—
That most joyful holiday, invented for women by women who are desperate to elicit romance from the men in their lives? Valentines Day is the ONE blessed day of the year where men expel every last dime from their bank accounts into Kay Jewelers credit. They ravage Duane Reades for that perfect card and maybe a plush duck that carries a heart reading “I’m Quacker’s about you!” After an expensive meal that satiates our oral fixations, we women are swept off our bunions to some magical sex cloud made of cotton candy, scented of orgasmic joy… and they lay us down and pound us till we’re cross eyed. You know-- the yearly celebration that every woman in America dreams about, next to her once in a lifetime and totally perfect wedding day...

[rolls eyes and mumbles] motherfucker, I will fucking cut you I swear to sweet Jesus....

But back in reality dear boys, most women in this country, including myself, equate Valentines to any other tedious anniversary, like making a GYN appointment for an annual pap-smear. If men feel that Valentines Day is nothing to celebrate- then guess what fuckers? The feeling is mutual. Moreover, the feeling is sometimes numb, lifeless redundant and in this bitch’s personal experience… cah- rreeepy!

Valentines Day is simply a commercial holiday that allows men the opportunity to ram cheap chocolate down the throats of their never-get-any woeful girlfriends and wives long enough for them to shut the fuck up. The men who go out of their way to please us on this holiday are more often met with some sort of sexual gratification, because quite frankly- they’ve manipulated us into feeling guilty. “Oh you spent $5.50 on a card with a picture of guy you think is hotter than you!?… oh ha ha! No!... Oh! And the inside reads ‘I’ll work on it!’… Love… you!... ‘My. Cuddle. Bear! Oh sweetie!” [thought bubble] When did I ever call him Cuddle bear? That’s a gayest fuckin’ nickname… [/thought bubble] “Oh No!... You’re the handsomest!”

Let’s all be perfectly clear about something. I’m a woman- and it’s not like I ever insisted on having to jump through the motherfuckin’ V-Day hoop every year, either. So please don’t blame this sort of bullshit on women you mentally challenged mongoloids. This "it belongs to a demographic" logic is why Eve Ensler and legions of misinformed wannabe Feminists (aka insecure college girls) decided to equate V-Day with National Let’s-Yell- CUNT- So-Loud-Our-Ex-Boyfriends- Hear-It! Menstrual Theater Day. Yeah, that’s right you SBJ fuckers- the Vagina Monologues are YOUR FAULT!!!!!

Not to mention the years where Valentines Day roles around and I’m not attached to a dude… these are the fucking worst. Not because I’m lonely or an antagonist member of the SAD crew. Being single on Valentines Day somehow opens a gateway for every goblinesque sociopath with a penis I’ve ever encountered to flood back into my life over the duration of the insipid week which surrounds it. Thank you St. Valentine! You were persecuted for your faith and executed by Claudius II for secretly marrying Roman soldiers who denied the terms of their military contracts. And today, men thinks its okay to send notes of “secret admiration” to me, their unrequited love, in the wake of the scariest age of tele-communication and big-brother-is-watching paranoia. Because nothing says “I love you” like cryptic notes on the internet.

Fuck. You.

More specifically, to the propenants of Steak and Blow Job Day I give you this...

Though I love most guys, and wouldn't dare trip the life feminazi and shit pussy blood all over this glorious invented holiday- I want fuckin’ reparations.

From one of the poorly constructed Steak and Blow Job Day websites:

"(1)Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. (2) Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. (3)Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. (4) Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. (5) Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it. "

Crockity crock fat fucker crock.

(1) You know what I got for Valentines Day? Weird messages from estranged ex boyfriends touring Australia, a PBR buy-back, and one bald crazy who humped my leg in front of a mindlessly deranged she-wench bartender. I'm so glad that men, as a collective force in nature of my womanhood- made this effort to deliver this day to me. Seriously

(2) You men don't enjoy fake holidays? Well hey fella... c'mere... back behind this magical curtain of Lady Oz... shhh... closer- it's a secret... NEITHER DO WE YOU FUCKING JAGWEEDS!

(3) That smile on our faces are of utter pity because we know how expensive greeting cards and Russel Stovers candies are now-a-days, and most of us are left to date the incompetent, insane and broke who can barely afford such novelty expressions of love and respect. And don't ever mention the phrase "weeks of blood" in your argument benefiting the privileges of women over men. When you piss blood, then you can cry.

(4) If you feel so left out... why don’t' you join a club or organization where you can brouhaha with the rest of the boys- like the Army? or US. Navy? They have a holiday called "Fleet Week" and I, a motherfuckin' lady, help them celebrate it every year down at South Street. Risk your ass for this country and I'll appreciate you. Bitch and moan about lazy hummers- and I cock punch you. capiche?

(5) Drunken limp dick? So you admit this is all your fault then?

And in summation, I have one final question for the men who wish for women like myself to acknowledge this day....

Where's MY motherfuckin' steak?


Blogger Matthew said...

I don't think there should have to be a designated day that we treat our special someone really, really well. F contrived, BS days of that sort right in the ol' earhole. That is all.

3:27 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Menstrual Theater Day made me laugh so hard I bled a little.

1:53 PM  

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